The Twenty-Eighth Month: February 2007

13th
This month is cancelled due to illness..haven’t written for ages. Pete is still ill with chest infection, and recovering from flu. He is very weak and though back at work comes home anytime between 4 and 6pm and generally goes to bed. My evenings are long and silent and I am living a rather lonely and solitary existence. It is a 4 hour long haul, cooking supper, clearing up after supper, and getting you to brush teeth and getting ready for bed.

There has only been about one bath in the last 10 days, I don’t have the energy to do them as well. We still manage lots of stories, though that was difficult when I had my sore throat and cough. Grandma and Grandpa looked after you for a couple of days so I could have a rest. Sloped off to the cinema one morning just for a change of scene and really enjoyed seeing Notes on a Scandal, a curious escape from the relentless of kitchen duties. Sometimes I feel like it’s going to be years before I get out of that kitchen. Didn’t really cook for a week when I was too drained of energy. Grandma has done our shopping twice and I dedided we could live on ready meals for a few days. Although best quality stuff from Waitrose, and time saving, I ‘m glad I now have sufficient energy to cook, because my cooking sure tastes better.

What have we been doing? Yesterday we went to visit the Circomedia space – the party venue for the big 60 birthday party. This week has to be the focus for organizing this. You played with a box of juggling balls and diabolos in the office while I chatted with the manager. In the last few weeks you have become very attached to your cuddly toys, particularly ‘Lamby’ and a big polar bear type creature, and are keen to carry them round everywhere. You like to ask us to cuddle and kiss them.

You have completely accepted that Papa is poorly. One day after being at the Grandparents you came back and said, ‘”Is he very poorly?” I hope that doesn’t mean you are worrying about him.. But as he has been somewhat unavailable to you, you have become more reliant on me. You accept that only I am here for you, and follow me around the house playing in whatever room I am in. I have played with you more than usual – reading to you, building ‘farmer’s houses’ with the blocks, and dancing. At first, because I was too ill to do anything else we would lie together in our bed and look at books. You’ve come to think of me as more of a playmate now but I have to negotiate my time away to make supper etc.

As you are no longer a baby, and I am especially aware of your growing and separating from me, I have been wondering if I have enjoyed the moments of your babyhood enough. It has been a surprise to me that our relationship is constantly changing, and I don’t know if I can even remember that feeling of total all-encompassing love I felt in the first year of our lives together.

28th
Many moments of observation and reflection have gone unrecorded the past few weeks. Have been too busy, ill or tired. Also wonder how long I am going to keep doing this as my spare time diminishes. Is there something a bit obsessive about writing about you in the tiny amount of time that we are not together? The first observations were to record your developmental milestones and I still like the idea of capturing memories of you as you are changing all the time, but I guess other priorities will take over.

I have enjoyed this writing as my project outside the domestic sphere, and in any case would be reflecting on all the ideas about parenting, which I find fascinating. Had a conversation with Grandpa today about fashions in child-rearing – ie the current popularity of the use of the ‘naughty step’ as a means of discipline and how it has been popularized by those child psychology programmes like Little Angels and House of Tiny Tearaways. Personally it is not my cup of tea, I am not sure the behaviourist approach works in the long run (somewhat akin to Pavlov’s dog method of reward and punishment for different behaviours). Yet to think this out fully.

What you are into:

Having one sock off and one sock on, so you can say ‘Diddle diddle dumpling’ etc

Pulling up your own trousers when getting dressed and after nappy changing

You love clothes with pockets. “Has it got a pocket, you ask when I dress you in the morning. “Can I put something in?” Like a penny in your coat pocket.

Taken a dislike to wearing the slippers I made for you (sheepskin and wool) I think this is asserting your new found independence

Lining up all your cuddly toys, putting them to bed etc

Sitting on your own on the arm of the chair when I read you a story (not next to me or on my lap – how it was 6/8 months ago).

Being momentarily deeply attached to toys and objects (eg wanting to hold a pencil, just because I’ve got it, or my car keys etc

Building farmer’s houses from the building blocks, also lining up wooden farm animals

Family groups, a current interest – any large and small animal next to each other is always the daddy or mummy and the baby one. If there is a big bear and little bear in a picture, you will ask where the daddy bear is.