The Thirty-Ninth Month: January 2008
5th
You had a really angry day on Weds – you were aggressive towards a friend, although you usually do a good job of winding each other up. You found a stick while out walking and hit her with it, I confiscated it and you got very upset. Later you played at Matthew’s – became furious when I came to collect you, slammed a door shut trying to keep me away, you smacked M in the face because he was also trying to open the door. I was mortified and cried when I came home. Plumber was mending the blocked loo and the whole place stank of poo. You lay on our hallway floor and screamed. It was all quite farcical. Next day electricians came to check our wiring and found lots of dodgy things, are going to suggest re-wiring and left me in a state of shock.
That night you woke at around 1am crying ‘mummy, mummy, chocolate, all the Christmas chocolate has gone', and then cried out ‘ I want chocolate’ in a comedy whiney voice about 8 times. We lay in bed smirking, and I wondered if you had had a bad dream – probably coming down off a chocolate high, after I had spent two days weaning you off sugar. You were hostile towards me, sitting up in bed and pushing me away and saying go away. Eventually you let me hold you and when I said ‘Can I whisper a secret in your ear?’, you stopped screaming immediately – you started this game and often ask to whisper in my ear at bedtime, saying I love you. I was really touched that you calmed down at that point and let me whisper I love you in your ear – and you did the same to me.
Painted a mug yesterday and lots of playdough at the mo. We had a good day, and I remained calm with you, feeling sensitive to your previous day’s highly emotional state.
Great drawing today – a birthday card for Sol – stick figures with large heads, round eyes, even drawing pupils – you did Sol’s family with Auntie Anna huge and in the middle of the paper! Sol and you had fun together and then exhaustion got the better of you and you started chasing him – and he wanted to be left alone – lots of crying and time to come home – you fell asleep in the car but are now awake chatting away trying to delay bedtime.
16th Jan weds
This week I have had lots of company. That works better at the moment. Keeps me sane but it means we have less time at home to do things together, and I can no longer potter about getting stuff done so easily as you are increasingly demanding of me and my attention.
Mon – playgroup, then story time at Eastville library – we met up with Kelly & Jimmy and Lucy, Acer and Eden, then afterwards back to Jimmy’s to play. You played parallel for a while but then got into doing things together
Tues – J., N. and L. came for lunch. You were very loud and boisterous, showing off by shouting and trying to slam doors. I’m adopting J’s rule of not allowing any playing with doors to prevent potential accidents.
It was great having some company at home, and to be able to chat about Steiner philiosophy, our enthusiasm’s and misgivings. We talked loudly above your shouting sometimes. Little L. slept in your cot, funny to see another smaller person in there.
Sometimes you are very rude to me - shouting, answering back, hitting and kicking when I tell you off. I am trying to remain patient, firm and understanding but don’t really know how to deal with this new phase of you asserting your independence.
As mother J. pointed out, all these things are just a phase. Your rudeness or assertiveness may be a reflection of my parenting or not - but if I saw the same in someone else's child, I would try not to be judgemental of their parenting or the child – that the children are still nice human beings even if they do these horrible things.
Am listening to Woman’s Hour serial – Lionel Shriver’s We need to talk about Kevin – chilling and topical – the mother Eva never really bonded with the boy, and the result is extreme and probably unrealistic. So far he sounds severely maladjusted and possibly autistic. This is the opposite extreme to Attachment Parenting parents – though I would never describe myself with that label voluntarily, the philosophy encompasses some of my ideas.
However AP ideas never seem to extend past the baby stage - and how to cope with one's own emotional stuff when the baby starts to separate from the mother and became his own person. How to respond/not to respond to hysterical tantrums for example...
here was one: leaving someone's house... traumatic as you had a massive tantrum about going, and I had to physically remove you to get you out to the car – you lay first in their hallway, then later in their garden in the rain, as I struggled to get you into the car and fought against your kicking and hitting to strap you in. First I sat calmly at the front while you screamed lying in the foot well behind me, I was in a state of shock and wanted to cry, but eventually I had the strength to strap you in.
Your screams subsided into a hyperventilating cry and by the time we got to Clifton Down shopping centre, you began to be distracted by the cars and other things. I tried to have a conversation with you about what had happened and asked you why you were cross. You said you didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t find out why. Soon we were friends again, but I was so shaken by the whole experience; thankfully I bumped into a Steiner parent in the shopping centre who I talked to, so felt less wobbly afterwards.
22nd Jan Weds
Since then there have been numerous occasions where you have protested about leaving, have refused to get into the car and resisted me strapping you in.
Yesterday you clung to a lamppost in the rain outside Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I had to physically manhandle you into the car, as the 1, 2, 3 trick doesn’t work with you. When we arrived back in our street you were almost asleep, and you refused to get out of the car, or indeed let me un strap you. All the way home we had been screeching furiously at each other – you telling me to go away, saying ‘ I want Peter’ (as you have recently started to call him). Me saying ‘ yes I want your Daddy too’
We have both been ill – me with a full on cold and you with a chesty cough, that seems to have developed into chickenpox, though your spots are minimal. On Thursday last I picked you up from Wendy’s – she said you had been grumpy – you fell asleep on the way home and were uncharacteristically whingey and clingy. You had to go to Teresa’s for an hour or so, as I had an appointment to see Wendy, and we were supposed to be going to the theatre, but I realized you were too ill and too tired. You cried all the way home saying ‘ I want to go to the ‘featre’ , and ‘ugly duckling’ (Teresa had free tickets).
Anyways, Friday we went twice to the doctors, in the morning for the chesty cough – you smiled sweetly at Dr Godfrey – which convinced him nothing too serious was amiss – especially as you weren’t wheezy in the day time. Soon after we left the surgery you started coming up in hives, which covered most of your body til late in the afternoon – I went again to the surgery to have it confirmed as such – a locum doctor – I only want to get a diagnosis, but they seem all too willing to dash off a prescription, this time for an oral anti-histamine. Hives mostly gone by the next day, then a few spots appeared.
Even now, you veer between being full of beans and wanting to be carried, you still like to exert control where you can. Still insisting that something is put in a particular place, that you don’t want some item of clothing on. We did water colour painting up in the attic today. You wanted to squidge out the paint from the tubes, pour water from the bottle and generally mix all the colours to make a muddy brown. I let you have so much input, and then we usually fight - today because you started splashing paint about and accidentally shoved a paintbrush in my face. Then I realized I was too ill to be doing anything where I needed to supervise you.
Earlier in the day I had picked you up and you had banged my nose really hard. I cried, and felt a bit depressed and sorry for myself – you’ve missed two days of playgroup and that has been hard for me. You were sweet and stroked my nose and kissed it to make it better, totally without prompting from me.
On Monday we had a bath together – you often lie next to me and put your head on my shoulder. When you got out you found the soap and spontaneously rubbed my shoulder and arm, then you said ‘ I will wash your leg, then your other leg, then your belly, then I will stop.’ You proceeded to wash me, and then went to get the nailbrush. No I protested, I don’t want the brush, that’s too hard – ‘I will do it gently’ you said!
Last night I went to bed early, feeling quite grim. K. rang and we talked for nearly an hour and a half – about you and Indi’s recent tantrums and how they made us feel and then we laughed about how much and irrelevant all this would be when you were teenagers – and how we woud wonder what we were making all the fuss about.. She read me a nice quote about a young girl and her mother on the tube, the girl having a strop and about how an empathetic man had come up and said what a spirited girl she would be and how she would make the mother proud.
We were talking about how you 3 year olds like to try and be in control, and how that pushes our buttons or not. I told the anecdote of someone giving in to their child having a strop about not wanting a red chair, but a blue one. I vary alot about whether I respond to those kind of whims...
(You know how you say things like , no mummy you wait at the top of the stairs and I go down first , etc.. sometimes I humour you, and sometimes I don’t …) She had mentioned that in Asian countries children are humoured and indulged and are generally not disciplined until 7, to no ill effect. I liked the theory – but then they do not have the intensity of the nuclear family there – the madness of one mother and one child in one household, so maybe when children grow up in a community, they can be loved and tolerated more and in a different way, and the relationship is not so intense between mother and child.
I was talking about this today, and realized that my view was that children are born feeling the centre of the universe and that part of growing up is learning that you are not the centre of the universe.
According to the 'Why Love Matters' book (Sue Gerhardt, psychotherapist), a baby has to feel the centre of the universe for long enough to develop a solid sense of self, to have feelings of worth, and this all makes sense to me – which is why you are such a strong character, because I was so there for you as a baby, that you have a confident sense of entitlement to your needs, and sometimes that is hard for me.
When I told Wendy you would be missing three weeks of playgroup, before our termly meeting to discuss your settling in (!). She said she would really miss you. She said how you enjoyed telling her things and finding things funny. She also said you were feisty, and you would be hard to bring up (!). You had a run in with her the other week because you wanted to be the train diriver but it wasn't your turn, but you ended up disagreeing with her and wouldn’t get to the back of the train – so you had to sit on her chair, while the children went out to play, then you waited with Emma while she washed up, and later went out to play.
Here is what I wrote down:
‘enthusiastic, joins in well, learns words to songs/rhymes quickly, good at painting, enjoys colours and has a lightness with the brush, uses the brush well. Sits quietly and listens intently to stories (no fidgeting in sight!). Socialises well and is starting to make friends, a great asset to the group.'
I asked about what you had been playing with in the playground: Outdoor play: In the playground builds pretend ‘fires’ out of piles of logs with the other children (dragging real logs across the playground to build the ‘fire’) and splashing in a very muddy puddle.
You often look like a muddy urchin when I pick you up, so I know you have had a great time.
The other day, I called your name and you came downstairs and said ‘I didn’t break anything’ – obviously I have been getting cross with you too often about your occasional destructive tendencies!
You had a really angry day on Weds – you were aggressive towards a friend, although you usually do a good job of winding each other up. You found a stick while out walking and hit her with it, I confiscated it and you got very upset. Later you played at Matthew’s – became furious when I came to collect you, slammed a door shut trying to keep me away, you smacked M in the face because he was also trying to open the door. I was mortified and cried when I came home. Plumber was mending the blocked loo and the whole place stank of poo. You lay on our hallway floor and screamed. It was all quite farcical. Next day electricians came to check our wiring and found lots of dodgy things, are going to suggest re-wiring and left me in a state of shock.
That night you woke at around 1am crying ‘mummy, mummy, chocolate, all the Christmas chocolate has gone', and then cried out ‘ I want chocolate’ in a comedy whiney voice about 8 times. We lay in bed smirking, and I wondered if you had had a bad dream – probably coming down off a chocolate high, after I had spent two days weaning you off sugar. You were hostile towards me, sitting up in bed and pushing me away and saying go away. Eventually you let me hold you and when I said ‘Can I whisper a secret in your ear?’, you stopped screaming immediately – you started this game and often ask to whisper in my ear at bedtime, saying I love you. I was really touched that you calmed down at that point and let me whisper I love you in your ear – and you did the same to me.
Painted a mug yesterday and lots of playdough at the mo. We had a good day, and I remained calm with you, feeling sensitive to your previous day’s highly emotional state.
Great drawing today – a birthday card for Sol – stick figures with large heads, round eyes, even drawing pupils – you did Sol’s family with Auntie Anna huge and in the middle of the paper! Sol and you had fun together and then exhaustion got the better of you and you started chasing him – and he wanted to be left alone – lots of crying and time to come home – you fell asleep in the car but are now awake chatting away trying to delay bedtime.
16th Jan weds
This week I have had lots of company. That works better at the moment. Keeps me sane but it means we have less time at home to do things together, and I can no longer potter about getting stuff done so easily as you are increasingly demanding of me and my attention.
Mon – playgroup, then story time at Eastville library – we met up with Kelly & Jimmy and Lucy, Acer and Eden, then afterwards back to Jimmy’s to play. You played parallel for a while but then got into doing things together
Tues – J., N. and L. came for lunch. You were very loud and boisterous, showing off by shouting and trying to slam doors. I’m adopting J’s rule of not allowing any playing with doors to prevent potential accidents.
It was great having some company at home, and to be able to chat about Steiner philiosophy, our enthusiasm’s and misgivings. We talked loudly above your shouting sometimes. Little L. slept in your cot, funny to see another smaller person in there.
Sometimes you are very rude to me - shouting, answering back, hitting and kicking when I tell you off. I am trying to remain patient, firm and understanding but don’t really know how to deal with this new phase of you asserting your independence.
As mother J. pointed out, all these things are just a phase. Your rudeness or assertiveness may be a reflection of my parenting or not - but if I saw the same in someone else's child, I would try not to be judgemental of their parenting or the child – that the children are still nice human beings even if they do these horrible things.
Am listening to Woman’s Hour serial – Lionel Shriver’s We need to talk about Kevin – chilling and topical – the mother Eva never really bonded with the boy, and the result is extreme and probably unrealistic. So far he sounds severely maladjusted and possibly autistic. This is the opposite extreme to Attachment Parenting parents – though I would never describe myself with that label voluntarily, the philosophy encompasses some of my ideas.
However AP ideas never seem to extend past the baby stage - and how to cope with one's own emotional stuff when the baby starts to separate from the mother and became his own person. How to respond/not to respond to hysterical tantrums for example...
here was one: leaving someone's house... traumatic as you had a massive tantrum about going, and I had to physically remove you to get you out to the car – you lay first in their hallway, then later in their garden in the rain, as I struggled to get you into the car and fought against your kicking and hitting to strap you in. First I sat calmly at the front while you screamed lying in the foot well behind me, I was in a state of shock and wanted to cry, but eventually I had the strength to strap you in.
Your screams subsided into a hyperventilating cry and by the time we got to Clifton Down shopping centre, you began to be distracted by the cars and other things. I tried to have a conversation with you about what had happened and asked you why you were cross. You said you didn’t want to leave, but I couldn’t find out why. Soon we were friends again, but I was so shaken by the whole experience; thankfully I bumped into a Steiner parent in the shopping centre who I talked to, so felt less wobbly afterwards.
22nd Jan Weds
Since then there have been numerous occasions where you have protested about leaving, have refused to get into the car and resisted me strapping you in.
Yesterday you clung to a lamppost in the rain outside Grandma and Grandpa’s house. I had to physically manhandle you into the car, as the 1, 2, 3 trick doesn’t work with you. When we arrived back in our street you were almost asleep, and you refused to get out of the car, or indeed let me un strap you. All the way home we had been screeching furiously at each other – you telling me to go away, saying ‘ I want Peter’ (as you have recently started to call him). Me saying ‘ yes I want your Daddy too’
We have both been ill – me with a full on cold and you with a chesty cough, that seems to have developed into chickenpox, though your spots are minimal. On Thursday last I picked you up from Wendy’s – she said you had been grumpy – you fell asleep on the way home and were uncharacteristically whingey and clingy. You had to go to Teresa’s for an hour or so, as I had an appointment to see Wendy, and we were supposed to be going to the theatre, but I realized you were too ill and too tired. You cried all the way home saying ‘ I want to go to the ‘featre’ , and ‘ugly duckling’ (Teresa had free tickets).
Anyways, Friday we went twice to the doctors, in the morning for the chesty cough – you smiled sweetly at Dr Godfrey – which convinced him nothing too serious was amiss – especially as you weren’t wheezy in the day time. Soon after we left the surgery you started coming up in hives, which covered most of your body til late in the afternoon – I went again to the surgery to have it confirmed as such – a locum doctor – I only want to get a diagnosis, but they seem all too willing to dash off a prescription, this time for an oral anti-histamine. Hives mostly gone by the next day, then a few spots appeared.
Even now, you veer between being full of beans and wanting to be carried, you still like to exert control where you can. Still insisting that something is put in a particular place, that you don’t want some item of clothing on. We did water colour painting up in the attic today. You wanted to squidge out the paint from the tubes, pour water from the bottle and generally mix all the colours to make a muddy brown. I let you have so much input, and then we usually fight - today because you started splashing paint about and accidentally shoved a paintbrush in my face. Then I realized I was too ill to be doing anything where I needed to supervise you.
Earlier in the day I had picked you up and you had banged my nose really hard. I cried, and felt a bit depressed and sorry for myself – you’ve missed two days of playgroup and that has been hard for me. You were sweet and stroked my nose and kissed it to make it better, totally without prompting from me.
On Monday we had a bath together – you often lie next to me and put your head on my shoulder. When you got out you found the soap and spontaneously rubbed my shoulder and arm, then you said ‘ I will wash your leg, then your other leg, then your belly, then I will stop.’ You proceeded to wash me, and then went to get the nailbrush. No I protested, I don’t want the brush, that’s too hard – ‘I will do it gently’ you said!
Last night I went to bed early, feeling quite grim. K. rang and we talked for nearly an hour and a half – about you and Indi’s recent tantrums and how they made us feel and then we laughed about how much and irrelevant all this would be when you were teenagers – and how we woud wonder what we were making all the fuss about.. She read me a nice quote about a young girl and her mother on the tube, the girl having a strop and about how an empathetic man had come up and said what a spirited girl she would be and how she would make the mother proud.
We were talking about how you 3 year olds like to try and be in control, and how that pushes our buttons or not. I told the anecdote of someone giving in to their child having a strop about not wanting a red chair, but a blue one. I vary alot about whether I respond to those kind of whims...
(You know how you say things like , no mummy you wait at the top of the stairs and I go down first , etc.. sometimes I humour you, and sometimes I don’t …) She had mentioned that in Asian countries children are humoured and indulged and are generally not disciplined until 7, to no ill effect. I liked the theory – but then they do not have the intensity of the nuclear family there – the madness of one mother and one child in one household, so maybe when children grow up in a community, they can be loved and tolerated more and in a different way, and the relationship is not so intense between mother and child.
I was talking about this today, and realized that my view was that children are born feeling the centre of the universe and that part of growing up is learning that you are not the centre of the universe.
According to the 'Why Love Matters' book (Sue Gerhardt, psychotherapist), a baby has to feel the centre of the universe for long enough to develop a solid sense of self, to have feelings of worth, and this all makes sense to me – which is why you are such a strong character, because I was so there for you as a baby, that you have a confident sense of entitlement to your needs, and sometimes that is hard for me.
When I told Wendy you would be missing three weeks of playgroup, before our termly meeting to discuss your settling in (!). She said she would really miss you. She said how you enjoyed telling her things and finding things funny. She also said you were feisty, and you would be hard to bring up (!). You had a run in with her the other week because you wanted to be the train diriver but it wasn't your turn, but you ended up disagreeing with her and wouldn’t get to the back of the train – so you had to sit on her chair, while the children went out to play, then you waited with Emma while she washed up, and later went out to play.
Here is what I wrote down:
‘enthusiastic, joins in well, learns words to songs/rhymes quickly, good at painting, enjoys colours and has a lightness with the brush, uses the brush well. Sits quietly and listens intently to stories (no fidgeting in sight!). Socialises well and is starting to make friends, a great asset to the group.'
I asked about what you had been playing with in the playground: Outdoor play: In the playground builds pretend ‘fires’ out of piles of logs with the other children (dragging real logs across the playground to build the ‘fire’) and splashing in a very muddy puddle.
You often look like a muddy urchin when I pick you up, so I know you have had a great time.
The other day, I called your name and you came downstairs and said ‘I didn’t break anything’ – obviously I have been getting cross with you too often about your occasional destructive tendencies!
posted by f at 1:35 PM
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