The Thirteenth Month: November
2nd
You have been plagued by smoker’s cough for several weeks now, and I am exhausted from being awake with you these last few nights, last night at 11.30pm and 4am. It took 1-1.5 hours to get you back to sleep. You cried even after I cuddled up and fed you, and for months now it has been impossible to transfer you into your cot once you have woken. I have enjoyed waking and seeing your smiling face next to me, and being able to stay so near to you and keep you snug at night, but these days you are so restless and fidgety, sharing a bed with you has not been an easy option.
I woke up this morning with that zombified, hung-over, sleep-deprived feeling that I last memorably experienced when you were about 4 months old. This felt even more depressing as I had lots of tidying and baking to do, on the eve of your first birthday. In my half awake state I made 2 banana/apricot cakes and some bread and seemed to do endless amounts of washing up. You were pottering around the kitchen, wheeling your trolley around, waving a big spoon at the cat; climbing into (and falling out of) their basket, smack on your right cheek. Yesterday you even walked a step towards me alone, holding a milk pan!
In the dusk this evening, when you were tired, and a bit tearful, I was aware that I had been ignoring you, trying to finish of clearing up and making supper (roast veg and quinoa) for Papa and me. You found a little russet apple, which you began to bite into. I picked you up, and sat you on my knee, and you looked right at me, offering me some of your apple. We passed it between us a few times, and I was so touched by this simple sharing. Suddenly I realised you are to be one year old tomorrow, and I began to cry, out of awe, and happiness and exhaustion and amazement that I have had you in my life for a whole year. How lucky I am, how lucky we are, to share our lives with you.
I took you late up to the bath, and sang to you, just songs about washing and getting your sleep suit on, which always seem to calm you when you are fractious, and you slept through till 11.30pm.
Bathing song
“Who’s my lovely clean boy, clean boy, clean boy?
Who’s my lovely clean boy, T.- is
(X2)
We’ve washed our hands and washed our feet
And now it’s time to go to sleep.”
(Sung to an Eastern European folk tune)
So little time to reflect, but thinking about you now (midnight, 3 hours before you were born a year ago), makes me feel warm and tender. Even when you wake me at 4am, and you fall back to sleep in my arms, I hold you, and stroke your lovely shaped head, and feel very, very happy that you are in our lives.
You do this lovely thing at the moment, where you roll around, almost doing somersaults right next to Mia. It’s like you’re trying to get on her level, and just be’ catness.’ sometimes on your back or side, very happy on the floor, smiling and giggling. This morning you were playing with Mia like this at the top of the stairs while I was in the bathroom. I rushed out with a cry, as I was sure you were about to fall down the stairs (we have no gate).
I found an old receipt the other day with these milestones written on the back:
First smile: 4 weeks
Sitting up alone: 5.5 months
First tooth: 6 months
Pulling yourself up to stand: 6 months
Crawling to the edge of our bed: 7.5 months
Falling off our bed: 9 months (If you can call falling off the bed a milestone...)
3rd
Darling T,
I can hardly believe you’re one today. You’ve had a lovely afternoon with your friends Samuel, Jimmy and Amy, the big Farmer boys, Callum and Jude, and your cousin Sol. You loved pushing your little trolley around, and standing in it, bouncing up and down and shouting gleefully.
This morning we were at Steiner parent Toddler group and everyone sang Happy Birthday to you, and you got to blow out a little candle. Winnie gave you a present of a little felt ball, and you as usual enjoyed dragging the toy broom along and trying to get real one off the wall. Little Nina (15 months) wanted to stroke your head and kiss you while you were pushing the trolley, but you kept protesting! We’ve had a lovely day together, and are all happy that you are a healthy, happy, bubbly boy.
15th. Tues
You walked more than 2 steps on you own at the weekend. We were staying with Sandra in Wolverhampton – you walked from Dada towards me. Today you walked 5 or 6 steps and grinned happily, you looked so pleased with yourself.
16th
Will I remember all the different ways you breastfeed? No longer the silent suckling newborn creature, now you wiggle and stand up and twist around. You like to stroke or scratch my belly with your free hand, or fiddle with your ear when you’re nursing, or my other nipple, which I try and discourage. I try and remember how you move at night, because you fidget in a particular way, rustling and sucking. Just now you breathe heavily and often, between sucks, because you have such a bad cold.
24th
We took the train today, to Redland, to go to Steiner Kindergarten parent and toddler group. You haven’t been on the train for a few months, and I notice how you are much more observant, leaning out of the pushchair to touch the many leaves blowing along the ground and looking up at the station, at the top of the lamp posts, and saying ‘aw’ with your little round mouth. You like to point out and call to the pigeons, noticing all the birds that fly overhead.
Today people noticed you’re new status as a walking boy, as you tottered across the carpet, wanting to get the miniature wooden broom that you like. You are really into sweeping, and wiping the table and floor with the wet cloths, or bits of kitchen towel you find. I had to rescue you a few times at kindi-garten from the clutches of 2 children who when not kissing you, hit you on the head or pounce d on you.
A lovely moment when nappy changing this afternoon. You waved your arms and opened and closed your fists, delighting in the shadows they made on the wall.
You have been plagued by smoker’s cough for several weeks now, and I am exhausted from being awake with you these last few nights, last night at 11.30pm and 4am. It took 1-1.5 hours to get you back to sleep. You cried even after I cuddled up and fed you, and for months now it has been impossible to transfer you into your cot once you have woken. I have enjoyed waking and seeing your smiling face next to me, and being able to stay so near to you and keep you snug at night, but these days you are so restless and fidgety, sharing a bed with you has not been an easy option.
I woke up this morning with that zombified, hung-over, sleep-deprived feeling that I last memorably experienced when you were about 4 months old. This felt even more depressing as I had lots of tidying and baking to do, on the eve of your first birthday. In my half awake state I made 2 banana/apricot cakes and some bread and seemed to do endless amounts of washing up. You were pottering around the kitchen, wheeling your trolley around, waving a big spoon at the cat; climbing into (and falling out of) their basket, smack on your right cheek. Yesterday you even walked a step towards me alone, holding a milk pan!
In the dusk this evening, when you were tired, and a bit tearful, I was aware that I had been ignoring you, trying to finish of clearing up and making supper (roast veg and quinoa) for Papa and me. You found a little russet apple, which you began to bite into. I picked you up, and sat you on my knee, and you looked right at me, offering me some of your apple. We passed it between us a few times, and I was so touched by this simple sharing. Suddenly I realised you are to be one year old tomorrow, and I began to cry, out of awe, and happiness and exhaustion and amazement that I have had you in my life for a whole year. How lucky I am, how lucky we are, to share our lives with you.
I took you late up to the bath, and sang to you, just songs about washing and getting your sleep suit on, which always seem to calm you when you are fractious, and you slept through till 11.30pm.
Bathing song
“Who’s my lovely clean boy, clean boy, clean boy?
Who’s my lovely clean boy, T.- is
(X2)
We’ve washed our hands and washed our feet
And now it’s time to go to sleep.”
(Sung to an Eastern European folk tune)
So little time to reflect, but thinking about you now (midnight, 3 hours before you were born a year ago), makes me feel warm and tender. Even when you wake me at 4am, and you fall back to sleep in my arms, I hold you, and stroke your lovely shaped head, and feel very, very happy that you are in our lives.
You do this lovely thing at the moment, where you roll around, almost doing somersaults right next to Mia. It’s like you’re trying to get on her level, and just be’ catness.’ sometimes on your back or side, very happy on the floor, smiling and giggling. This morning you were playing with Mia like this at the top of the stairs while I was in the bathroom. I rushed out with a cry, as I was sure you were about to fall down the stairs (we have no gate).
I found an old receipt the other day with these milestones written on the back:
First smile: 4 weeks
Sitting up alone: 5.5 months
First tooth: 6 months
Pulling yourself up to stand: 6 months
Crawling to the edge of our bed: 7.5 months
Falling off our bed: 9 months (If you can call falling off the bed a milestone...)
3rd
Darling T,
I can hardly believe you’re one today. You’ve had a lovely afternoon with your friends Samuel, Jimmy and Amy, the big Farmer boys, Callum and Jude, and your cousin Sol. You loved pushing your little trolley around, and standing in it, bouncing up and down and shouting gleefully.
This morning we were at Steiner parent Toddler group and everyone sang Happy Birthday to you, and you got to blow out a little candle. Winnie gave you a present of a little felt ball, and you as usual enjoyed dragging the toy broom along and trying to get real one off the wall. Little Nina (15 months) wanted to stroke your head and kiss you while you were pushing the trolley, but you kept protesting! We’ve had a lovely day together, and are all happy that you are a healthy, happy, bubbly boy.
15th. Tues
You walked more than 2 steps on you own at the weekend. We were staying with Sandra in Wolverhampton – you walked from Dada towards me. Today you walked 5 or 6 steps and grinned happily, you looked so pleased with yourself.
16th
Will I remember all the different ways you breastfeed? No longer the silent suckling newborn creature, now you wiggle and stand up and twist around. You like to stroke or scratch my belly with your free hand, or fiddle with your ear when you’re nursing, or my other nipple, which I try and discourage. I try and remember how you move at night, because you fidget in a particular way, rustling and sucking. Just now you breathe heavily and often, between sucks, because you have such a bad cold.
24th
We took the train today, to Redland, to go to Steiner Kindergarten parent and toddler group. You haven’t been on the train for a few months, and I notice how you are much more observant, leaning out of the pushchair to touch the many leaves blowing along the ground and looking up at the station, at the top of the lamp posts, and saying ‘aw’ with your little round mouth. You like to point out and call to the pigeons, noticing all the birds that fly overhead.
Today people noticed you’re new status as a walking boy, as you tottered across the carpet, wanting to get the miniature wooden broom that you like. You are really into sweeping, and wiping the table and floor with the wet cloths, or bits of kitchen towel you find. I had to rescue you a few times at kindi-garten from the clutches of 2 children who when not kissing you, hit you on the head or pounce d on you.
A lovely moment when nappy changing this afternoon. You waved your arms and opened and closed your fists, delighting in the shadows they made on the wall.
posted by f at 1:30 PM
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