The Forty-Fourth Month: July 2008
1st July.
Theo, your sleeping has been all over the place – you have fallen asleep at 5pm only to wake at 5am the next day, then you ‘ve had to have an afternoon nap. It has all been exhausting and erratic – and when Pete was away. It was hard not having my half an hour in the morning to do stretches/yoga in the garden. We have just been camping to East Prawle for the weekend, me and you (performing with the Singers). You helped me put the tent up in driving drizzle and wind, helped by Gillian.
The weekend was hard work and relentless and I had much less contact with the other adults than I had hoped. You had a great time, playing with Danny’s Noah (nearly 5) and making sandcastles at the beach, splashing in the sea. I sat dazed in the sun and strong winds, staring into space as you ran about on your own at East Portlemouth – a lovely sandy beach fringed by trees, from which you can get the passenger ferry to Salcombe. We never made it to Salcombe as I could not prize you away from the beach once Noah had arrived. I felt torn between feeling I ought to play with you and wanting to talk to the others.
You and Noah played with Danny’s trailer on Sunday morning – fishing with his fishing rods, killing baddies and something about prisons – anyway, some sort of make believe game where you were 2 characters. You found a thick stick and some nylon rope that you became attached to. The stick became a ‘light saver’ (I think you meant light saber, but do not know about these and maybe heard it from Noah). You and Noah were chased by 16 year old Alex –which made you both giggle and be scared. You kept trying to hide near me as I was taking the tent down. Alex took your string which upset you, and tied your and Noah’s legs together.
I am in a well of loneliness at the moment, of existential torment, knowing you are growing up, and me at a loss of what to do. You have been my vocation, and your arrival gave me a sense of belonging and purpose like nothing else I have ever had.
14th July
I looked at you today – we have spent only a few hours together – and thought how grown up you seem. The way you say thanks when I do things for you, telling me the bath was the right temperature, your funny conversations about how things used to be in the olden days.
“In the olden days they used to call string ‘explainations’. But still, many a time you are needy little boy, and like to be carried when you are tired and talk in a baby voice.
Last day of term today before farewell festival tomorrow. We went for picnic at the Sausage park, and you and the rest of the boys busied your self on the play equipment, less interested in any lunch. You ran to bottom of playground and played stick games, buoyed up by enthusiasm and the boisterousness of the group. Suddenly J. turned up with blood running down the side of his face and it turned out you had hit him. I don’t think you understood the seriousness of it, and when I asked you about it later you volunteered you would say sorry next time we were in the park with J. You told me a story of how the others were poking you with sticks, so you poked them back. I told you need to tell them not to poke you, rather than doing it. Anyway, the incident is confused as some other children seem to think they did it. We can’t be sure it was you.
You came home to play at Hannah and Matthew’s house and looked exhausted when I collected you at 4pm. But amazingly seemed to revive being alone at home. You chatted to yourself as you balanced the brooms on the staircase, and tied bits of string to the banister & the chest of drawers – also joining pipe cleaners and a stethoscope on to ‘lock off the stairs’.
19th – 27th July Camping in Scotland
Glencoe, Knoydart, Mallaig. You loved the fire that we made, and poking sticks in it to make a ‘candle’ - flame on the end of the stick. You enjoyed swimming with us in your new wet suit.
Schema: making boundaries with objects and by tying things
Balancing
Tying things together: winding pipe cleaners around the struts of clothes rack. One morning you got the glue and glued pieces of paper which you wrapped around the struts.
Theo, your sleeping has been all over the place – you have fallen asleep at 5pm only to wake at 5am the next day, then you ‘ve had to have an afternoon nap. It has all been exhausting and erratic – and when Pete was away. It was hard not having my half an hour in the morning to do stretches/yoga in the garden. We have just been camping to East Prawle for the weekend, me and you (performing with the Singers). You helped me put the tent up in driving drizzle and wind, helped by Gillian.
The weekend was hard work and relentless and I had much less contact with the other adults than I had hoped. You had a great time, playing with Danny’s Noah (nearly 5) and making sandcastles at the beach, splashing in the sea. I sat dazed in the sun and strong winds, staring into space as you ran about on your own at East Portlemouth – a lovely sandy beach fringed by trees, from which you can get the passenger ferry to Salcombe. We never made it to Salcombe as I could not prize you away from the beach once Noah had arrived. I felt torn between feeling I ought to play with you and wanting to talk to the others.
You and Noah played with Danny’s trailer on Sunday morning – fishing with his fishing rods, killing baddies and something about prisons – anyway, some sort of make believe game where you were 2 characters. You found a thick stick and some nylon rope that you became attached to. The stick became a ‘light saver’ (I think you meant light saber, but do not know about these and maybe heard it from Noah). You and Noah were chased by 16 year old Alex –which made you both giggle and be scared. You kept trying to hide near me as I was taking the tent down. Alex took your string which upset you, and tied your and Noah’s legs together.
I am in a well of loneliness at the moment, of existential torment, knowing you are growing up, and me at a loss of what to do. You have been my vocation, and your arrival gave me a sense of belonging and purpose like nothing else I have ever had.
14th July
I looked at you today – we have spent only a few hours together – and thought how grown up you seem. The way you say thanks when I do things for you, telling me the bath was the right temperature, your funny conversations about how things used to be in the olden days.
“In the olden days they used to call string ‘explainations’. But still, many a time you are needy little boy, and like to be carried when you are tired and talk in a baby voice.
Last day of term today before farewell festival tomorrow. We went for picnic at the Sausage park, and you and the rest of the boys busied your self on the play equipment, less interested in any lunch. You ran to bottom of playground and played stick games, buoyed up by enthusiasm and the boisterousness of the group. Suddenly J. turned up with blood running down the side of his face and it turned out you had hit him. I don’t think you understood the seriousness of it, and when I asked you about it later you volunteered you would say sorry next time we were in the park with J. You told me a story of how the others were poking you with sticks, so you poked them back. I told you need to tell them not to poke you, rather than doing it. Anyway, the incident is confused as some other children seem to think they did it. We can’t be sure it was you.
You came home to play at Hannah and Matthew’s house and looked exhausted when I collected you at 4pm. But amazingly seemed to revive being alone at home. You chatted to yourself as you balanced the brooms on the staircase, and tied bits of string to the banister & the chest of drawers – also joining pipe cleaners and a stethoscope on to ‘lock off the stairs’.
19th – 27th July Camping in Scotland
Glencoe, Knoydart, Mallaig. You loved the fire that we made, and poking sticks in it to make a ‘candle’ - flame on the end of the stick. You enjoyed swimming with us in your new wet suit.
Schema: making boundaries with objects and by tying things
Balancing
Tying things together: winding pipe cleaners around the struts of clothes rack. One morning you got the glue and glued pieces of paper which you wrapped around the struts.
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