November 2008
3rd Nov. 4 today. T should feel magical, special ,momentous, but I have a cold, it is really damp outside, with Siberian winds blowing. I feel grimly depressed by my relationship. You were happy and excited to open your parcel this morning from Daddy = a large yellow CAT digger. When he left we did play together a bit, then I made a cake for your birthday tea with Hannah and Mathew and Iris. I wondered if I could get through the day, feeling rough from a cold and really tired from waking at 3.30 and then 5,30. then you waking at 6.30. We cycled to the bakers and Sweetmart, where you started lying on the floor in exhaustion and yelling at me, and I wondered if we would get to the end of the day. I so wanted you to nap, so I could lie down, but instead met with Rowan and Jo at the playground at Eastville Park. It’s now 11.30, and have watched a film with P, and realized that I could have made the day more special and would have gone out if it wasn’t for our tea party, and our total exhaustion. I foolishly agreed to have 3 children here with no other adults, and by tea time you were exhuberently crazy, jumping up at the table, and ignoring my requests to sit down, and winding up Mathew into mischief (blowing icing off cake and spitting on it..). I took you out of the room briefly I was so frustrated by your lack of attention to me.
I even yelled at you at bath time for completely splashing me with water. I’m fed up of your cheekiness I said – and you said ‘ I’m tired’. The day was too long and too exhausting. And no time to reflect and share that I gave birth to you 4 years ago, right here in our bathroom. Sorry to be mean to you on your birthday – I really tried, but it was a day like any other.
11th Nov – on friday last week you kept saying how you didn’t want to go to school, and ‘I hate it’. You would not get out of the car, and had to be carried. You cried a lot, and did not want me to leave. You have been showing great signs of reluctance recently, and I wondered if you have been having an unhappy time there, or whether there was something going on that I should be aware of. Monday you went in fine, because it was your school birthday ‘I want to go in when there is cake, but not on any other days!’. You wore a special birthday crown you made, and a cloak and Katie read a story about you that I wrote, while Ali lit a candle for each of your 4 years. We went home early, as you have been staying for afternoons on Mondays, but today, Tues, you stayed til 3.15. I picked you up as you were tidying things away with Katie – you were in the playground, face splattered with mud.
When we got home I started singing the autumn ring time songs to you, and you were delighted to show me how the windmill song went. We both threw our selves on the floor and ended up doing acrobatics and balancing in the hallway – you standing on my bent knees and holding the banisters with one hand. You were very respectful and kept saying sorry when I made strained faces as you squashed me. You kept curling up on me and cuddling my arms and legs, locking your head between my knees and laughing. We must have played like that for an hour or so. Early on in our play when you lay beside me, you said, with sudden realization ‘ I don’t see you when I go to school’.
Suddenly everything made sense and I realized that your complaints about going are to do with the realization that it’s regular, predictable separation from me, and now you have got over being exhausted by it, and the novelty, you have realized that we don’t see each other so often. I said that I missed you when you were at school. We were the best we’ve been together for ages – you were so loving and playful rather than the grumpy, unco-operative person you seem to have been for so many days when I have collected you from school.
Afterwards I finished cooking supper, then you decorated some ginger biscuits with lime green icing, and still came up to me to hug my leg afterwards when I was washing up at the sink – you haven’t done that since your were about 18 months! I felt so happy that we hade made a connection again.
Conversatons in the car on the way to school: 20/11
I: you have golden hair
Theo: golden hair and white. What colour is your hair?
I: I am not telling you (keeping it secret under hat!)
Theo: I want to be a musician when I grow up
Singing to your self, tying string, ribbons all around dining room. I am sewing at machine, Pete doing a drawing of your bunk bed that he is building. We have been at School Christmas fair all morning. Maybe you have had loads of cakes/choc brownies but you are manically talking and jumping around. Photos are scrolling on our computer, one of strange hogs at Cotswold wildlife park. You talk about a ‘hurleybog’ – what is it I ask, what does it eat? ‘ it eats tables.
I am aware of how much your speech had progressed, that you know speak ‘properly’ like an older child most of the time and am sad at the passing of your funny ways of saying things – though still say ‘clift for cliff.
Mummy can I have a n orangu tan, you asked after breakfast today. (meringues from school fair).
You have exhausted us recently by waking at 6 am and coming into our room and having naps at strange times – 2pm 5 pm etc, then not falling asleep til 10pm. One morning I went in spare bed and you lay on top of me to keep warm, wrapping your arms around me. How nice to share a bed I thought. The same thing happened the next morning except this time you wriggled and complained how you weren’t comfy etc, and I was glad how well you normally sleep in your own bed.
You have been enjoying my make up and bindi’s recently , drawing eyeliner around your mouth – so you look like a demented clown and wearing bindis everyday, ever since you had one at school for Diwaali.
We have all been ill – papa with a bad wheezing chest, in bed on his own for the last few days, even coming home early from work to go to bed.
I am tripping over your bits of string/ribbon tied to all bits of furniture, radiator downstairs…even the cable car you got for your birthday ended up as another piece of string.
Sun 30th Nov
‘I have got a noseblower, but my nose didn’t get blowed because I didn’t need to (a handkerchief)’ You have terrible night time cough at the mo.
Today we (Sandra, Lewis, you and I) went to your Advent Spiral festival at school. You carried your apple and candle with great reverence and purpose as you walked around the spiral and lit it. We have had a jolly weekend with Lewis and S, and it has been great to have company, especially as Pete had been in bed with flu all weekend. We spent all yesterday at the City Farm, seeing the lovely new piglets and you two played in the café after we had lunch (building lego towers). This morning you had your swimming lesson and had forgotten to leave your cossie on before getting dressed at home so we had to improvise with a pair of pants. You were rather reluctant and upset to go into the pool but I eventually persuaded you. I could see me getting cross and impatient would not have worked, though I was rather exasperated!
Near meltdown at supper time as you tried to insist pouring yourself a glass of milk, but I wouldn’t let you, so you pushed the cup away (half full) and spilt it on the floor, and me. I was livid, but managed to hold myself together, and got you to clean the floor. Afterwards had a conversation with Sandra about all the times I v’e lost it with you, and how I have such a short fuse, and that we often seem to have battles at mealtimes. Have agreed that I will phone S every time I lose it, to help me think about what I am doing and whether it is appropriate.
I feel I have struggled with you this week – Pete has been ill, and you have been tired, as have I. Sometimes I can’t cope with your moaning and lack of co-operation, your insistence on doing things in a particular way, your shouting, throwing things and rudeness. And have wondered if I have done things right. Spoke to neighbour J about the challenges they had with their youngest son, and he suggested I chat with his son about what has worked best in modifying his behaviour. He also very sweetly offered to have you for a while anytime I need respite.
Meeting 2 weeks ago with you teacher Katie about your experience in kindi.
In the class you play alone sometimes, when the other littlies are not there. You play with objects on the shelf, the little gnomes, and sing to your self, all with great pleasure You enjoy building, construction, making dens/houses with veils and string, and often have amazing focus, taking your task very seriously, I think telling off the other children when they don’t do it properly. You sometimes take the initiative, leading the game ‘let’s do this, I need you to do this’” I said I hoped you weren’t too bossy. I think you are quite self –sufficient. More recently Katie has asked you to help her with jobs, like washing napkins, to get to know you better.
I even yelled at you at bath time for completely splashing me with water. I’m fed up of your cheekiness I said – and you said ‘ I’m tired’. The day was too long and too exhausting. And no time to reflect and share that I gave birth to you 4 years ago, right here in our bathroom. Sorry to be mean to you on your birthday – I really tried, but it was a day like any other.
11th Nov – on friday last week you kept saying how you didn’t want to go to school, and ‘I hate it’. You would not get out of the car, and had to be carried. You cried a lot, and did not want me to leave. You have been showing great signs of reluctance recently, and I wondered if you have been having an unhappy time there, or whether there was something going on that I should be aware of. Monday you went in fine, because it was your school birthday ‘I want to go in when there is cake, but not on any other days!’. You wore a special birthday crown you made, and a cloak and Katie read a story about you that I wrote, while Ali lit a candle for each of your 4 years. We went home early, as you have been staying for afternoons on Mondays, but today, Tues, you stayed til 3.15. I picked you up as you were tidying things away with Katie – you were in the playground, face splattered with mud.
When we got home I started singing the autumn ring time songs to you, and you were delighted to show me how the windmill song went. We both threw our selves on the floor and ended up doing acrobatics and balancing in the hallway – you standing on my bent knees and holding the banisters with one hand. You were very respectful and kept saying sorry when I made strained faces as you squashed me. You kept curling up on me and cuddling my arms and legs, locking your head between my knees and laughing. We must have played like that for an hour or so. Early on in our play when you lay beside me, you said, with sudden realization ‘ I don’t see you when I go to school’.
Suddenly everything made sense and I realized that your complaints about going are to do with the realization that it’s regular, predictable separation from me, and now you have got over being exhausted by it, and the novelty, you have realized that we don’t see each other so often. I said that I missed you when you were at school. We were the best we’ve been together for ages – you were so loving and playful rather than the grumpy, unco-operative person you seem to have been for so many days when I have collected you from school.
Afterwards I finished cooking supper, then you decorated some ginger biscuits with lime green icing, and still came up to me to hug my leg afterwards when I was washing up at the sink – you haven’t done that since your were about 18 months! I felt so happy that we hade made a connection again.
Conversatons in the car on the way to school: 20/11
I: you have golden hair
Theo: golden hair and white. What colour is your hair?
I: I am not telling you (keeping it secret under hat!)
Theo: I want to be a musician when I grow up
Singing to your self, tying string, ribbons all around dining room. I am sewing at machine, Pete doing a drawing of your bunk bed that he is building. We have been at School Christmas fair all morning. Maybe you have had loads of cakes/choc brownies but you are manically talking and jumping around. Photos are scrolling on our computer, one of strange hogs at Cotswold wildlife park. You talk about a ‘hurleybog’ – what is it I ask, what does it eat? ‘ it eats tables.
I am aware of how much your speech had progressed, that you know speak ‘properly’ like an older child most of the time and am sad at the passing of your funny ways of saying things – though still say ‘clift for cliff.
Mummy can I have a n orangu tan, you asked after breakfast today. (meringues from school fair).
You have exhausted us recently by waking at 6 am and coming into our room and having naps at strange times – 2pm 5 pm etc, then not falling asleep til 10pm. One morning I went in spare bed and you lay on top of me to keep warm, wrapping your arms around me. How nice to share a bed I thought. The same thing happened the next morning except this time you wriggled and complained how you weren’t comfy etc, and I was glad how well you normally sleep in your own bed.
You have been enjoying my make up and bindi’s recently , drawing eyeliner around your mouth – so you look like a demented clown and wearing bindis everyday, ever since you had one at school for Diwaali.
We have all been ill – papa with a bad wheezing chest, in bed on his own for the last few days, even coming home early from work to go to bed.
I am tripping over your bits of string/ribbon tied to all bits of furniture, radiator downstairs…even the cable car you got for your birthday ended up as another piece of string.
Sun 30th Nov
‘I have got a noseblower, but my nose didn’t get blowed because I didn’t need to (a handkerchief)’ You have terrible night time cough at the mo.
Today we (Sandra, Lewis, you and I) went to your Advent Spiral festival at school. You carried your apple and candle with great reverence and purpose as you walked around the spiral and lit it. We have had a jolly weekend with Lewis and S, and it has been great to have company, especially as Pete had been in bed with flu all weekend. We spent all yesterday at the City Farm, seeing the lovely new piglets and you two played in the café after we had lunch (building lego towers). This morning you had your swimming lesson and had forgotten to leave your cossie on before getting dressed at home so we had to improvise with a pair of pants. You were rather reluctant and upset to go into the pool but I eventually persuaded you. I could see me getting cross and impatient would not have worked, though I was rather exasperated!
Near meltdown at supper time as you tried to insist pouring yourself a glass of milk, but I wouldn’t let you, so you pushed the cup away (half full) and spilt it on the floor, and me. I was livid, but managed to hold myself together, and got you to clean the floor. Afterwards had a conversation with Sandra about all the times I v’e lost it with you, and how I have such a short fuse, and that we often seem to have battles at mealtimes. Have agreed that I will phone S every time I lose it, to help me think about what I am doing and whether it is appropriate.
I feel I have struggled with you this week – Pete has been ill, and you have been tired, as have I. Sometimes I can’t cope with your moaning and lack of co-operation, your insistence on doing things in a particular way, your shouting, throwing things and rudeness. And have wondered if I have done things right. Spoke to neighbour J about the challenges they had with their youngest son, and he suggested I chat with his son about what has worked best in modifying his behaviour. He also very sweetly offered to have you for a while anytime I need respite.
Meeting 2 weeks ago with you teacher Katie about your experience in kindi.
In the class you play alone sometimes, when the other littlies are not there. You play with objects on the shelf, the little gnomes, and sing to your self, all with great pleasure You enjoy building, construction, making dens/houses with veils and string, and often have amazing focus, taking your task very seriously, I think telling off the other children when they don’t do it properly. You sometimes take the initiative, leading the game ‘let’s do this, I need you to do this’” I said I hoped you weren’t too bossy. I think you are quite self –sufficient. More recently Katie has asked you to help her with jobs, like washing napkins, to get to know you better.
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